Middle School Phase

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Just wanted to write a bit about how I've had trouble sharing lately. Maybe because it was all rainy and gloomy in Brooklyn on Friday (when I started writing this!) or maybe because I have decided this is better than nothing. Either way, I have all these thoughts in my head day in and day out of things I want to blog about and then I ultimately talk myself out of it. I have posts that I’ve never posted for no other reason than I just felt like people wouldn't want to read them. I convince myself that it's a silly subject, no one would find this interesting or that there's really nothing new to say here on the interwebs that hasn't been said before by someone else in different packaging. I've been really bad at feeling confident in what I'm producing and putting out here. I'm setting standards for myself that I think are probably loftier than anything anyone else is expecting of me, which I never used to do before. It’s funny, I’ve discovered this newfound confidence in my life as a mother and have never felt so proud of who I am and what I’m accomplishing every day (read: literally keeping another human alive), yet when it comes to my creativity here on this blog space, I feel inadequate. Do I sound like a moody creative yet? 

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I feel like I’m in an awkward middle school phase with this space. There are some growing pains going on and if a blog could have braces and bad skin, I think mine would right now. I'm feeling gangly and out of place. I get stressed about being too 'mommy' on here, but then again, that's really the focus of my world right now. I know more about diaper bag launches than the Mansur Gavriel bucket bag release dates. And it used to be the other way around. Since I'm also still the same person I was before I had Parker, this is where I assume no one wants to read another post on diaper bags or why I try to choose the one that doesn’t scream ‘I’m carrying a bag full of a soiled diapers!’. There are people far and wide who have done that jig. But maybe that is what I want to write about and maybe that is what you want to read. Would that be so bad?

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Maybe it’s because I’m juggling the logistics of a full time job, a full time mom and a full time wife on top of managing life in one of the most chaotic and competitive cities in the world. That’s an exhausting sentence to read. I often tell myself that these reasons explain my lack of enthusiasm to hit ‘publish’ after a long day and really believe in what I’m putting out there. Sure, I could publish a ton of stuff that is just fine (trust me, I’ve got an arsenal of unpublished posts just hanging out), but it’s probably best to wait until I feel proud of them. That’s the wonderful thing about having an online space… things evolve and grow and the world goes on. You can always come back when you need to - it’s here waiting.  

I thrive in being able to write, to think creatively, to put together projects and share them with people. So this space will always be a need of mine - it’s not going anywhere. I’m thankful it’s here and I’m thankful you read my ramblings. This awkward middle schooler just needed to share. Now, I'll distract you with a cute picture of Parker Mae crawling....... and all is right in the world again! 

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