32 Weeks + A Nine Month Myth

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It’s interesting that the magical number decided for pregnancy was nine months. The way it’s spread out does help you acclimate to each stage and your changing shape in a slow, but steady, manner. What they don’t explain thoroughly enough, is that it’s actually ten months. Yep, ten. At least I wasn't aware that you are pregnant through the ninth month.... making it practically a full ten months. Make sense? Yea, I’m still trying to count on my fingers. But, what I do know is there should be a PSA distributed about the expectant length of being pregnant for women like me who slept through that whole ‘you-know-what' education class in middle school. I kept wondering why the numbers didn’t quite add up.

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:: Confessions on Pregnancy ::

- We’re at the stage where the baby does these ‘grazing’ movements from the inside of my stomach. Nothing too extreme, but it’s like a slow elbow brushing from right to left. In those moments, I’ve come to start referring to it as Nessie, The Loch Ness Monster. Seems appropriate. Sometimes when it stops being so lazy and actually pushes or kicks up against my stomach, I’ll push and poke back. In my head, it’s like we’re high fiving each other. ‘Hooray, you haven’t pushed mommy’s belly button out yet!’......‘Thanks mom for letting me take all your energy to grow my kidney’s today!’

- At some point, this whole process becomes ‘real’, right? Like, it sinks in? Everyone says it usually happens after your first baby shower and you start accumulating those quintessential things. Oh, does it? I recently came home, checked the mail and while walking to the stairs glanced over to see a box with a picture of a crib on it that had been delivered. I thought, ‘Huh, looks like someone got a crib. That’s nice.’ And proceeded to walk straight up to our apartment as if nothing else should’ve occurred to me.

- My new business idea is this, someone should start an Army basic training style boot camp for woman about to enter motherhood for the first time who are utterly and completely clueless on all fronts.... like myself. What better way to learn new skills than at a high stress situation. If the Duggar mom had more bite, I'd envision her with a whistle in hand, but I think it's best to assume Tracy Anderson would hold court. Activities would involve some, if not all, of the following:

 1. Ninja Reflexes - How to dodge rapid firing pee or spit up.

 2. Origami - The art of assembling a diaper with one hand in under sixty seconds.

 3. Driver’s Ed - The basics on steering a stroller through Soho on a Saturday afternoon so you can  run errands.

 4. Mind Over Matter - How to assemble a pump and/or bottle.

 5. Obstacle Course - How to take a full shower in under five minutes.

 6. Survival Of The Fittest - How to function as a human and communicate with your spouse after forced  extreme sleep deprivation.